Cats v Dogs

From the Cat’s Perspective:

Oh, for fuck’s sake, what is that noise? That panting, slobbering buffoonery coming my way better not be who I think it is. Oh, great. It’s the dog. The oversized, perpetually grinning moron who somehow finds joy in fetching sticks and eating literal garbage. My whiskers are twitching just looking at him. I mean, does he even have dignity? Look at him, wagging that ridiculous tail like he’s auditioning for some bad sitcom.

Wait, he’s getting closer. Too close. I swear if he so much as sniffs me, I’ll unsheathe these claws faster than he can say “good boy.” Stay calm, feline grace intact. Flick the tail, arch the back, give him the icy glare. Let him know who the real apex predator is here. Yes, that’s right, mutt. Take a sniff. Smell my superiority.

Oh, now he’s barking. Barking! At me! As if his guttural yelps mean anything in the grand cosmic scheme. Fine. I’ll just sit here, lick my paw, and pretend he doesn’t exist. Honestly, I deserve a medal for tolerating this level of incompetence.

From the Dog’s Perspective:

OH MY GOD IT’S THE CAT. THE CAT. THE FLUFFY THING. HI. HI HI HI HI. Wait. Why isn’t she saying hi back? What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Maybe it’s my breath? No, wait, maybe she doesn’t know how awesome I am. I should wag harder. Yes. Tail-wagging always works. Everyone loves tail-wagging.

Okay, approach slowly. Oh, she’s looking at me! That means she likes me, right? Right?! OH MY GOD SHE’S SO COOL. Look at the way she’s sitting. Like a tiny queen or something. Should I bow? No, bowing’s weird. Maybe I’ll bark. Yeah, barking shows how excited I am.

“WOOF!”

...Okay, she didn’t like that. I can tell because she’s staring at me like I just ate her kibble. Which, for the record, I totally didn’t do. Not recently, anyway. Maybe I’ll just get a little closer. Oh! She flicked her tail! That’s a sign, right? I think she likes me now!

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. Wait. Where’d she go? Is she ignoring me again? WHY DOES SHE HATE ME.

From the Cat (in the Dog’s Body):

What in the actual fuck just happened? One minute I’m perched in my regal spot of superiority, and the next I’m… oh, no. No, no, no. Why is my nose wet? Why am I so low to the ground? And why the fuck can I smell everything? Oh, god, is that what the garbage smells like? Is that what the neighbour smells like? My brain is being assaulted by scents. This is a war crime.

Wait. WAIT. Where are my paws? Why are they so… meaty? And these claws are pathetic little nubs! My tail—what happened to my graceful tail? It’s wagging, and I can’t stop it. Stop it! STUPID FUCKING DOG BODY!

I’m going to be sick. Oh, fuck, is this what being a dog feels like? No grace, no poise, just this constant urge to… oh my god. Is that a squirrel? Why am I running? I DON’T WANT TO CHASE IT. But my legs won’t stop! HELP ME. I swear, if I ever figure out what kind of cosmic bullshit did this to me, I’m clawing its face off with my stupid nub-claws.

From the Dog (in the Cat’s Body):

OH WOW. I’m small now. Like really small. This is weird but also SO COOL. I’m all soft and sleek and bendy! Look at me stretch! Holy shit, I’m a liquid. I can fit anywhere. Is this what cats feel like all the time? This is amazing!

Wait, why does everything feel so… high up? I can jump on stuff! Oh, man, I’m gonna jump on the table! OH MY GOD I’M ON THE TABLE. This is the best day ever. Everything smells way less intense up here. I don’t even want to sniff things. I mean, I could sniff them, but I don’t have to. Weird, right?

Oh, hey, there’s the dog—or, uh, me. He looks really freaked out. Poor guy. Wait. I should hiss at him! Cats do that, right? Hissing is fun! HISSSSSSSSSSSS. Wow, that felt powerful. I think I scared him! Is this how it feels to be the boss? I’M THE BOSS NOW.

Oh, wait. I feel something else. What’s this? Is this… an urge to knock shit off the table? Can I do it? Should I do it? YES, I SHOULD. Paw swipe! HOLY SHIT, IT FELL! I LOVE THIS BODY.