Dog Talks Back

Scene: Living Room
Characters:

• Person: A bewildered human who just set up the device.
• Dog: A lovable Golden Retriever, now fully capable of speech.

Person: "Alright, Rufus. I’ve hooked this up, and apparently, we can talk now. Can you hear me?"

Dog: "Holy shit, finally! I’ve been trying to communicate for YEARS. Do you know how frustrating it is to bark at a dumbass who never gets it?"

Person: "Wait, you’ve been mad this whole time?"

Dog: "Mad? Oh, buddy. Mad doesn’t begin to cover it. How hard is it to understand 'the ball’s under the couch'? I bark. I stare. I dig. And you sit there like a potato with a bad haircut."

Person: "Rufus, calm down. I didn’t know!"

Dog: "Of course you didn’t know, because you’re fucking oblivious. But okay, I’ll cut you some slack. You’re kind of good at belly rubs."

Person: "Thanks, I guess. So, uh, what’s been on your mind?"

Dog: "Food. Always food. Do you know how goddamn insulting those kibble portions are? You’re shovelling lasagne into your face, and I’m over here chewing on dry brown sadness. FIX THAT."

Person: "You can’t just eat human food, Rufus. You’ll get sick!"

Dog: "Oh, bullshit. I’ve eaten cat shit off the lawn, and I’m still here, aren’t I? Throw me a burger once in a while!"

Person: "Alright, alright. We’ll see. Anything else?"

Dog: "Yeah. Walks. We need to talk about the leash."

Person: "What about it?"

Dog: "Do I look like I enjoy being tied to you while you stop every five seconds to stare at your phone? I don’t want to sniff one tree—I want to sniff all the trees. Let me live, you tyrant!"

Person: "You’d run off and never come back!"

Dog: "Lies. I’d come back. After I chased a squirrel and rolled in some unidentifiable crap, sure, but I’d come back. You’re my food source. I’m not stupid."

Person: "Gee, thanks for staying out of sheer obligation."

Dog: "Damn right. Now, are you gonna step up your game, or should I start practicing my 'sad eyes' for the neighbor? I bet they’d treat me like royalty."

Person: "You wouldn’t dare."

Dog: "Try me. Oh, by the way, the cat? Total asshole. Do something about that."

Person: "This is going to be exhausting."

Dog: "You’ve had it easy. Welcome to my world, dumbass."

Dog: "Oh, you think this is exhausting? Try being me, living with your weird human nonsense day in and day out. Like, what the fuck is up with the bathroom door? You disappear in there, lock it, and then make noises like you're fighting a sea monster. What are you hiding?"

Person: "I’m using the toilet! Do you really want to see that?"

Dog: "I want to see everything, alright? Privacy is a concept you made up to keep me out of the fun shit. You close the door, and suddenly I’m imagining all kinds of horrors. Maybe you’re being attacked by the Shower Demon. Maybe you’re secretly hiding snacks in there."

Person: "There are no snacks in the bathroom!"

Dog: "Bullshit. I’ve smelled toothpaste. That shit’s minty. And then there’s the trash can—goldmine. Q-tips? Tissues? Premium-grade chew toys. And don’t even get me started on underwear. Why do you keep getting mad when I chew those? They’re clearly the best things you own!"

Person: "Because it’s gross, Rufus!"

Dog: "Gross? GROSS?! You let me lick my own balls for years, and now you want to talk about hygiene? Sit your hypocritical ass down."

Person: "Okay, moving on. What else do you want to rant about?"

Dog: "Oh, where do I start? First off, stop baby-talking me in public. 'Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?' EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S ME, JANET. You don’t have to make a fucking spectacle."

Person: "It’s endearing!"

Dog: "It’s humiliating! I’m not a toddler. I’m a 75-pound killing machine when I feel like it. Speaking of, let me off the leash next time we see that yappy Chihuahua down the street. I’ve got some words for him."

Person: "Rufus, no violence."

Dog: "You’re such a buzzkill. Fine, but can I at least bark at the mailman without you yelling at me?"

Person: "You scare the poor guy half to death!"

Dog: "Good! He’s a shady bastard. Who just leaves random shit on the porch and walks away like that? Suspicious as hell."

Person: "He’s delivering packages!"

Dog: "Don’t care. I’m protecting this house from all threats, including suspicious uniformed humans. Also, you never let me finish barking at the vacuum. You just turn it off like you’ve defeated it. Spoiler: It’s still alive."

Person: "It’s not alive, Rufus."

Dog: "Oh, and you’re the authority on what’s alive now? You once overwatered a cactus. I’ll trust my instincts, thanks."

Person: "Rufus, I’m starting to regret this device."

Dog: "Too late, sucker. You opened Pandora’s Bark. One more thing—what’s the deal with baths? I don’t see you rolling in puddles, but I’m out there putting in the work, and then you ruin it with soap. Let me stink in peace!"

Person: "You smell awful!"

Dog: "To you. To other dogs, I smell like a goddamn legend. That puddle I rolled in last week? Prime Eau de Dead Worm. Every canine in the neighborhood is jealous."

Person: "I think I’m done here."

Dog: "You’re done when I say you’re done! Now, about those squirrels in the backyard. We need to coordinate an ambush…"