AI Misunderstanding Gone Awry

IT Guy:
Slams down drink "So, yeah, mate, my company’s really diving deep into AI this year. You know, the future is here, right? Automation, machine learning, deep learning algorithms... it's nuts how fast it’s all progressing."

Sheep Farmer:
Rubbing chin “Oh yeah, AI is bloody life-changing. We’ve been using it on the farm for years. Got to say, it’s improved things, especially efficiency-wise, you know?”

IT Guy:
Getting excited “Exactly, mate! Efficiency is the key. AI does all the heavy lifting, no need for constant oversight anymore. It’s like, once you’ve trained the model, you’re good to go. Self-improving, even!”

Sheep Farmer:
Nods enthusiastically “Couldn’t agree more! You just set it all up, do a bit of prep work, and then it’s like clockwork. No more fumbling around hoping things happen naturally.”

IT Guy:
Laughs “Right? You’ve just got to feed it enough data. Sometimes I spend hours working with the data, making sure it’s clean and ready, otherwise the results are just total rubbish.”

Sheep Farmer:
Raises an eyebrow “Feed it? I mean, I guess you could call it that, but I usually just, you know, get the bull involved for that part. The AI part’s just about making sure the seed gets where it needs to go without all the hassle.”

IT Guy:
Visibly confused “Wait… the seed? You’re talking about, like, data seeds or…? Because when we say ‘feed it,’ we’re talking about feeding the algorithm—like inputting data sets.”

Sheep Farmer:
Laughs awkwardly “Ha! No, no, mate, I’m talking about the bull’s seed. You know, the... essentials for making sure the sheep get pregnant, right? AI is all about making sure it gets done efficiently without waiting for nature to figure it out.”

IT Guy:
Stunned silence “Wait… you’re talking about actual... insemination?”

Sheep Farmer:
Genuinely surprised “Yeah, artificial insemination, mate! What the hell are you talking about?”

IT Guy:
Eyes widening “I’m talking about artificial intelligence, you absolute lunatic! Algorithms, automation, robots! Not playing God with sheep’s love lives!”

Sheep Farmer:
Steps back “Bloody hell, I thought you were just talking about some fancy new farming tech. You’re out here making computers think like humans while I’m trying to make sure lambing season doesn’t go to shit.”

IT Guy:
Sputtering “I can’t believe I’ve been nodding along to your animal husbandry kink-fest thinking we were talking tech! You’re literally out there, wrangling sheep and bulls, while I’m out here creating digital brains!”

Sheep Farmer:
Shakes head “And here I was thinking you were just some nerd trying to make the whole breeding process sound smarter than it is. Fuck me, you techies are on another planet.”

IT Guy:
Scoffing “And you farmers are—Jesus Christ, I don’t even know what you are. Good luck with your… bull data sets.”

Sheep Farmer:
Disgusted “And you enjoy teaching your robot overlords. Hope they don't fuck you over too hard.”

Both walk away, shaking their heads, each convinced the other one needs serious mental help.

Sheep Farmer:
Grinning, slurring slightly “Oi! Fancy seeing you again, Mr. Computer Brain! Listen, I didn’t get to tell you earlier—this is where AI gets really interesting. You ever work with cattle? No? Well, you’re in for a treat, mate.”

IT Guy:
Sighs, already regretting his life choices “Alright, sure, let’s hear it. What fresh hell are you about to unload on me this time?”

Sheep Farmer:
Leaning in, eyes lighting up “Right, so, you’ve got a cow, yeah? You’re getting ready for AI. You know what you do first?”

IT Guy:
Warily “No, but I’ve got a horrible feeling I’m about to find out.”

Sheep Farmer:
Excitedly “Damn straight! You get your arm—full arm, mind you—up the cow’s arse! Two feet deep, mate!”

IT Guy:
Chokes on his drink “I’m sorry, WHAT?!”

Sheep Farmer:
Nods like he’s explaining some ground-breaking science “Yeah! Right up there. You’ve got to get in the rectum to guide the insemination tube through the cervix. Otherwise, you’re just shooting in the dark, mate!”

IT Guy:
Horrified “Two feet…? Two feet up a cow’s arse? Why the hell would you—wait, cervix? Oh God, I don’t need to know this.”

Sheep Farmer:
Laughs “Nah, mate, you need to know! You’re all about precision and efficiency, right? This is precision farming! Got to make sure that semen gets where it’s supposed to go. One wrong move and bam, no calves this season. You can’t automate that!”

IT Guy:
Turning green “You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking. You’re not out there playing puppeteer with cow innards, are you? That’s not real life, that’s some horror movie shit!”

Sheep Farmer:
Completely serious “Oh, it’s real life, mate. You get that arm in there, feel around for the cervix, and when you find it, you guide the AI rod right through. It’s bloody brilliant! Perfectly engineered process.”

IT Guy:
Staring in disbelief “I can’t believe you’re saying this with a straight face. So while I’m sitting in my office, coding algorithms and thinking about deep neural networks, you’re—”
pauses
“Shoulder deep in cow arseholes making sure they get pregnant? What in the actual fuck, man?”

Sheep Farmer:
Proud “Damn right! And don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. You get a good technique down, it’s a bloody art. Like programming, but with livestock.”

IT Guy:
Throws hands in the air “How is this anything like programming?! I’m not sticking my hands inside a machine, mate!”

Sheep Farmer:
Laughs “You might not be, but I guarantee my AI has more hands-on work than yours does! Literally.”

IT Guy:
Mutters to himself “This is insane. I’m never looking at cows the same way again. Christ, I don’t even want to look at you the same way.”

Sheep Farmer:
Slaps him on the back “Don’t worry, mate, it’s all part of the job. Just like debugging code, except a lot messier.”

They part ways again, the IT Guy scarred for life, and the sheep farmer utterly convinced that no one in tech has ever really worked a day in their lives.

Farmer:
Kneeling beside a cow, arm fully inserted up to the elbow, concentrating hard
“Alright girl, hold still... Just got to get this... Jesus, there’s always something in the way... Bloody AI tube’s not cooperating. C’mon, nearly there...”

NSW Police Officer #1:
Suddenly appears, arms crossed, glaring
“What the hell’s going on here, mate?”

Farmer:
Startled, jumps up, yanking arm out of the cow
“Christ on a bike! Where the fuck did you come from?!”

NSW Police Officer #2:
Moves closer, hand on taser
“We’ve had reports of... suspicious activity. Looks like they were bloody spot-on, eh? What are you doing to that animal, mate?”

Farmer:
Waving his now very brown arm around
“What does it fucking look like? I’m artificially inseminating this cow! Jesus Christ, it’s not a goddamn crime!”

NSW Police Officer #1:
Suspicious, looking at the cow, then at the farmer
“Artificial insemination, eh? Is that what we’re calling it these days? Mate, that looks more like... animal abuse to me. That’s not normal.”

Farmer:
Absolutely livid
“Abuse? Are you serious?! This is standard practice, you dickhead! Do I look like I’m getting my jollies off by having my arm up a cow’s arse? This is part of the job!”

NSW Police Officer #2:
Steps forward, aggressive
“Watch your mouth. We’ll be the judge of what’s ‘standard’ here. You don’t just go sticking things into animals without some kind of license or regulation. You got any papers on you, mate?”

Farmer:
Throws hands up, shaking head
“Papers?! What do you think this is, some backyard chop shop? I’m a licensed farmer, you morons! Do I have to carry a fucking diploma for shoving semen into a cow’s cervix now?!”

NSW Police Officer #1:
To his partner, dead serious
“Sounds like bullshit to me. I reckon we’ve got a situation here. Might be some animal cruelty operation. We should take him in.”

Farmer:
Eyes wide “Take me in?! For what? Doing my fucking job? You’re both off your heads! Call the Department of Agriculture if you don’t believe me, but this is how it’s done!”

NSW Police Officer #2:
Pulls out cuffs, menacing
“Alright, smartass, we’ll sort it out at the station. Put your hands behind your back.”

Farmer:
Backing up, covered in cow shit and losing his patience
“Are you taking the piss?! I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m not abusing this cow, I’m trying to impregnate it! You think the cows are going to file a fucking complaint or something?”

Cow:
Looks over at the commotion, mooing calmly
Mooooooo.

NSW Police Officer #1:
Frustrated
“Don’t try to get clever with us. I don’t care what kind of farmer voodoo you’re pulling here, it doesn’t look right. Now stop resisting or this will get messy.”

Farmer:
Throws his hands up in absolute disgust
“I’m not resisting, you pair of absolute clowns—I’m explaining! This is a legit practice! What, you think this cow’s going to volunteer for insemination?”

NSW Police Officer #2:
Takes a step closer, taser in hand
“That’s it, mate. Down on the ground now.”

Farmer:
Sputtering, furious
“Oh, for fuck’s sake! You’re gonna taser me because I’m knocking up a cow? Great, I’ll add this to the growing list of ‘bullshit the cops did on my farm!’ Maybe next time you want to arrest someone, try learning a bit about the bloody job, eh?”

NSW Police Officer #1:
Grabs the farmer’s arm
“Enough lip, mate. You’re coming in for questioning. This’ll all get cleared up, but we’re not taking any chances.”

Farmer:
Struggling, still yelling
“I swear to God, if you two wankers weren’t in uniform, I’d be tempted to—Jesus, watch the arm! That was up a cow’s arse, you absolute dickheads!”

The situation devolves into a chaotic mess. Cops trying to forcefully cuff a farmer who’s shouting about cow insemination, all while standing in the middle of a paddock that now has a very confused and very unimpressed cow just watching the whole scene. Eventually, the Department of Agriculture gets called in, the cops get a stern talking-to, and the farmer is left to clean up—literally.

Farmer:
Standing by the barn, arms crossed, eyeing Jeremy with suspicion
“Right, Jeremy, let’s get one thing straight. You’re here to shovel shit and keep things tidy. You don’t need to touch anything else. Got it?”

Jeremy:
Smirking, hands in pockets, puffing his chest up
“Oh yeah, mate, no worries. I’ve worked on a few farms before, you know. Know my way around cows, muck, and all that. You don’t have to tell me twice. Piece of piss, really.”

Farmer:
Already regretting his decision
“Is that right? Well, good for you, but let’s be clear—you’re here to shovel shit. That’s it. Don’t go messing with things you don’t understand, because let me tell you, this ain’t a bloody hobby farm.”

Jeremy:
Waves it off, walking towards the cow pens
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Don’t worry about me, mate, I’m all over it. Been doing this for years. Probably know a few tricks you don’t, to be honest.”

Farmer:
Muttering under his breath
“Christ almighty, save me from this dickhead.”

A few hours later, Jeremy’s shovelling manure like a man who’s never actually done a day of hard work in his life, making an absolute meal of it. He’s shovelling slowly, grumbling, taking his sweet time.

Jeremy:
Wiping sweat from his brow
“Shovelling shit, yeah, but there’s technique to it, you know? You can’t just go flinging it around. You need the right posture, the right swing. I reckon I could write a book on it, mate.”

Farmer:
Passing by with a wheelbarrow, glaring at him
“Yeah, well, unless that book’s called ‘How to Get Fired in a Day’, I don’t want to hear about it.”

Jeremy:
Completely ignoring the sarcasm
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. This job, it’s all about efficiency. If I do it slower, more controlled, I’m actually saving time in the long run. You wouldn’t understand unless you’ve got experience like mine.”

Farmer:
Barely containing his rage
“Yeah, Jeremy. Sure. Just get on with it, would ya?”

A bit later, the farmer’s off checking on the sheep when he glances back and sees something that makes his blood boil. There’s Jeremy, leaned up against one of the cows, lighting up a cigarette right next to it.

Farmer:
From a distance, screaming
“JEREMY! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

Jeremy:
Looks up, cigarette dangling from his lips, casually waving
“Relax, mate! Just taking a quick ciggie break. I’ve got everything under control here.”

Farmer:
Storming over
“UNDER CONTROL?! YOU’RE SMOKING NEXT TO A FUCKING COW, YOU MORON!”

Jeremy:
Shrugs
“Yeah, and? It’s not like the cow’s gonna light up with me. Chill out, it’s just a bit of smoke.”

Farmer:
Absolutely fuming, pointing aggressively
“Do you have any fucking idea what’s inside that cow right now, Jeremy?!”

Jeremy:
Looks at the cow, then back at the farmer, confused
“What, grass? Hay? Bit of grain? Mate, it’s a cow. I know what cows eat.”

Farmer:
Shouting louder
“It’s full of methane, you dumb bastard! You light up next to a cow like that, and you’re sitting on a fucking bomb!”

Jeremy:
Laughing, completely oblivious
“Methane? Piss off, mate. That’s just a load of farm myths. You’re telling me a little ciggie could—”

Before Jeremy can finish his thought, the cow lets out a massive fart, and the cigarette ignites it. In a split second, there’s a deafening BOOM, and a huge fireball erupts right where Jeremy was standing.

Farmer:
Throws himself to the ground, covering his head, yelling
“FUUUUUUUUCK!”

Jeremy:
Sent flying backwards, landing in a pile of cow shit, dazed and singed
“Holy fuck! What the—what just happened?!”

Farmer:
Gets up, furious, storming over to Jeremy, who’s now covered in manure and still smoking
“What happened?! YOU nearly blew yourself to kingdom come, you fucking halfwit! That’s what happened! I told you not to smoke near the cows, you complete and utter twat!”

Jeremy:
Sitting up, coughing, covered in filth, trying to regain some composure
“Jesus... I didn’t think it’d actually blow up. I thought you were just exaggerating. I mean, how the fuck was I supposed to know?”

Farmer:
Absolutely losing it
“HOW THE FUCK WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! Because I told you, you brain-dead prick! What do you think cows fart out, rainbows? Methane, you tool! Fucking explosive methane!”

Jeremy:
Still in shock, blinking
“Well... lesson learned, I guess. No ciggies near the cows.”

Farmer:
Throws his hat on the ground
“Lesson fucking learned?! You’re lucky you’re not in a body bag! That’s it. You’re done. Fuck off before you burn the whole bloody farm down.”

Jeremy stumbles to his feet, limping away in a haze of burnt hair and manure, while the farmer stands there, hands on his hips, shaking his head in disbelief.

Farmer:
Muttering to himself
“First and last time I hire an idiot who talks like he knows everything. Christ, what a fucking day.”