#Conversational-Dialogue #Sweary #Non-Human #Bear

Bear Seeks Glad Wrap

Scene: A large Tesco store in the middle of the day. People are shopping, minding their own business. Suddenly, a massive, hairy bear lumbers down the aisle, looking confused but determined. He approaches a group of Tesco employees.

A bear in Tesco.

Bear: [growling softly] Hey! Oi, where the fuck do you keep the Glad Wrap? I've been up and down these goddamn aisles, and I can't find a damn thing in this store.

Tesco Worker # 1 (Sally): [nervous and confused] Um… uh… s-sir? What… I… I’m sorry, did you say “Glad Wrap”?

Bear: Yeah, Glad Wrap! You know, the fucking stuff you wrap food with, keeps it fresh, comes in a roll? Are you all clueless or just fucking with me?

Tesco Worker # 2 (Dave): [to Sally, whispering] Is this bear actually asking for something? Like, it’s not just… roaring?

Sally: [panicked whisper] I don’t know! I’ve never seen a bear do grocery shopping before! What’s Glad Wrap? Is that like some vegan brand?

Bear: [growing impatient] Don’t whisper, I can hear you, you dickhead! You must know what Glad Wrap is. How do you people even run a store without knowing this basic shit?

Dave: [terrified and sweating] I’m sorry, Mr. Bear, we really don’t have anything called “Glad Wrap” here. Maybe try aisle 10? Or—uh… I can check with a manager, if that’s OK? Please don’t eat us.

Bear: Fucking hell. It’s always something with you lot. How hard is it to sell some goddamn plastic wrap? Is it in the international foods aisle or some other bullshit?

Tesco Worker # 3 (Rebecca): [overhearing, stepping up cautiously] I think he might mean, like, cling film? You know, the stuff we call cling film?

Bear: Cling film? Cling fucking film? What, does it cling to your hopes and dreams too? This is ridiculous. Who the fuck calls it that?

Rebecca: [stammering] W-well, in Britain we call it cling film. I swear it’s the same thing you’re talking about!

Bear: [growling louder, visibly more irritated] It’s not called cling film. That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. It’s fucking Glad Wrap! Do I look like I’m asking for something different? Maybe I’ll just go wrap my sandwiches with a Tesco receipt if you people are this clueless!

At that moment, an Australian shopper (Steve) overhears the chaos and steps in with a knowing smile.

Steve: [laughing] Ahh, fuck me dead, mate, I knew I heard an Aussie problem from a mile away! You’re looking for Glad Wrap, eh?

Bear: FINALLY! Thank fuck, someone with a brain! Yes, Glad Wrap! These bloody idiots don’t know what the hell I’m on about.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, mate, don’t sweat it. These Pommy bastards call it cling film for some weird reason. But it’s the same shit. Aisle 12, top shelf, next to the foil.

Bear: [calming down] You’re a fucking lifesaver, mate. I thought I was gonna lose my shit with these people. Cling film, honestly…

Steve: [chuckling] Yeah, mate, they don’t get out much. Anyway, grab your Glad Wrap, er, cling film, whatever they call it, and maybe calm down a bit, eh?

Bear: Nah, you’re right. I’ll try to keep a lid on it. But honestly, if I hear cling film again, someone’s getting mauled.

The bear lumbers off to aisle 12, grumbling about British stores and their weird product names, while the Tesco workers stare at Steve in awe.

Rebecca: [whispering to Steve] Was that… normal?

Steve: [laughing again] Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s just hangry, mate. Happens to all of us.

End scene.

A bear in Tesco.

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