#Conversational-Dialogue #Cat #Sweary #Non-Human #Gun-Safety

Cat Gun Safety

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The importance of talking to your cat about gun safety.

Gun Owner: Hey, Fluffy, you lazy furball. Get over here. We need to have a chat about something crucial. Yeah, stop licking your ass for a minute and pay attention.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: What the hell do you want?)

Gun Owner: Listen, you furry idiot, I know you're just a cat and probably don't give a damn about anything other than your next meal, but we need to talk about gun safety. Yeah, you heard me right. Gun safety.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: This better be good. I was in the middle of something important.)

Gun Owner: You see this? This is a gun. And no, it's not a toy, you dumbass. It's a serious piece of equipment that can blow a hole through a wall – or worse, through someone's head. Now, I know you don't have opposable thumbs or any concept of what I'm saying, but let's pretend for a second that you do.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: That shiny thing? You mean I can't play with it?)

Gun Owner: Exactly, you moron. You can't play with it. You know why? Because it's dangerous. First rule of gun safety: always treat every gun like it's loaded. I don't give a crap if you think it's empty. Assume it's loaded and keep your damn paws off it.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: Can I scratch it at least?)

Gun Owner: No, you can't scratch it, you idiotic feline. Second rule: never point the gun at anything you're not willing to destroy. That means no aiming it at me, at the TV, or at your favorite scratching post. Point it down or at a target if you're planning to shoot.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: Why do you humans make things so complicated?)

Gun Owner: Because we have brains, unlike you, you fluff-covered brainless twit. Third rule: keep your finger off the trigger until you're ready to fire. That means no putting your stupid little paw on it unless you mean business. And business means firing with the intent to hit something specific.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: Whatever, man. I just want my dinner.)

Gun Owner: I'm getting to that, you impatient fur-covered pain in the ass. Fourth and final rule: always be sure of your target and what's beyond it. If you miss, that bullet can keep going and hit something else. So make sure you're aiming at what you actually want to hit, not just flailing around like an idiot.

Fluffy the Cat: Meow (Translation: Are we done here? I've got important cat things to do.)

Gun Owner: Yeah, we're done, you ungrateful little shit. Just remember, no playing with the gun. Or else I'll use my own paws to teach you a lesson. Now go on, back to your throne or whatever you call that corner of the house. And don't forget: gun safety is no joke. Even for a dumbass like you.

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... and when it goes wrong.

Gun Owner: Alright, you furry little bastard, listen up. I know you can't understand a damn word I'm saying, but I need to talk about gun safety. Yeah, I see you licking your paws, acting all innocent. But this is serious shit, Mittens.

Mittens (Cat): Meow.

Gun Owner: Exactly, you get it. Guns aren't toys. They're not to be left lying around like your stupid catnip mouse. A gun is a tool, a dangerous one. It's all about responsibility and not being a fucking idiot. Got it?

Mittens: Meow.

Gun Owner: Good. Now, let me show you. This here is my pride and joy, my Glock 19. It's loaded, so you never point it at something you don't want to destroy. Like your damn scratching post over there.

Mittens: Purrs and rubs against the gun owner's leg.

Gun Owner: Yeah, yeah, you're adorable. But seriously, Mittens, always assume the gun is loaded. Never, and I mean never, put your paw on the trigger unless you're ready to shoot. Here, see this trigger? It takes just a bit of pressure to go off. Watch carefully.

Gun Owner (accidentally putting the gun on the table and turning his back): And remember, always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction, like—

Mittens, curious and bored, swats at the trigger.

Gun Owner (turns back just in time to see Mittens’ paw on the trigger): What the fu—

BANG!

Gun Owner (falls to the ground, clutching his chest): Ah, you little shit… cough... this is not what I... meant... by... cough... safety...

Mittens: Meow.

Gun Owner: Gurgles and goes silent.

Mittens: Climbs on top of the gun owner's body, purring contentedly.

Narrator (if there was one): And thus, our tragic hero learned the ultimate lesson in gun safety: never underestimate a curious cat and always secure your weapon properly.

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