Pineapple on Pizza Wars

Scene: A casual pizza joint. Two friends, Sam and Chris, are sitting at a table with a fresh pizza in front of them. One half has pineapple on it.

Sam: (calmly grabbing a slice of pineapple pizza) You know, I just don’t get why people have such a problem with pineapple on pizza. It’s literally the perfect combination. You’ve got the sweetness from the pineapple, the saltiness from the ham and cheese, and the crispy crust. It’s like a goddamn flavour party in your mouth.

Chris: (nodding but not convinced) Right, right, I hear you. But, see, pineapple? On pizza? That’s a culinary crime, mate. It doesn’t belong there. It’s wet, it’s sweet, and it ruins the whole pizza vibe. Fruit on pizza is just… wrong.

Sam: (laughing lightly) Oh, wrong? Don’t be such a basic bitch, Chris. You’ve probably been eating plain-ass pepperoni since you were in diapers. What, are you scared of flavour? Afraid your taste buds might actually wake the fuck up?

Chris: (squinting, getting defensive) Scared of flavour? Oh, fuck off with that. I’ve got plenty of taste, thank you very much. That’s why I know pineapple on pizza is an abomination. It’s like putting goddamn Skittles on a steak. It’s unnatural! You don’t see anyone sticking bananas on a burger or shoving strawberries into a fucking burrito, do you?

Sam: (scoffs, getting riled up) That’s because people are narrow-minded fools, Chris. You’re acting like food can’t evolve. What are you, stuck in the 18th century? Probably one of those assholes who thinks ketchup is spicy, huh? People who don’t get pineapple on pizza are the same people who clap when a plane lands. You’re all basic as shit!

Chris: (glaring) Oh, you wanna talk basic, huh? Look at you, eating a pizza that’s got fucking fruit salad on it. You’re a food heathen, Sam. It’s disgusting. Pizza should be savory, not this confused-ass mix of flavours like a goddamn mistake at a buffet. It’s offensive to Italians, for fuck’s sake!

Sam: (getting louder) Offending Italians? Oh, please! You think the Italians give a shit about how we eat pizza here? They’d crucify us for deep-dish before they even look at the pineapple. But no, let’s all pretend like your precious margherita is the holy grail of pizza. Newsflash, Chris, nobody cares. Pizza’s evolved! It’s 2024, baby, get with the program!

Chris: (standing up, hands on the table) Evolved? Yeah, into trash. Pineapple pizza is a culinary dumpster fire. I don’t know how you can sit there, looking like a sane human being, and tell me this is acceptable! You’re basically saying you’d put anything on pizza! What’s next, blueberries and fucking yogurt? Anchovies dipped in chocolate?

Sam: (standing up too, pointing at Chris) I’d try it! That’s called having an open mind, you Neanderthal. Just because you can’t appreciate a complex flavour profile doesn’t mean you should shit on those of us who can. Pineapple on pizza is for the intellectual elite. You? You probably eat pizza with a fork and knife like some kind of sociopath!

Chris: (red-faced, shouting) Elite?! Oh, shut your pretentious, pineapple-loving face! I swear, Sam, you have the worst taste on this fucking planet! You’re the reason humanity’s doomed. People like you put pineapple on pizza, then next thing you know, society collapses! You’ve ruined pizza. RUINED IT!

Sam: (throws a slice of pineapple pizza at Chris) You know what, fuck you and your pizza conservatism! Take that!

Chris: (dodging the slice, picking up a plain slice and hurling it back) Oh, fuck this! This is war now, you pineapple-loving prick!

Sam: (ducks, then grabs a handful of pineapple toppings and flings them at Chris) Pineapple forever, you culinary caveman!

Chris: (yelling as the pineapple hits him in the face) ARGH! YOU PIZZA PSYCHOPATH! I’LL NEVER SURRENDER TO YOUR SWEET, SLIMY BULLSHIT! (grabs the whole pizza and chucks it across the table)

Sam: (laughing maniacally, covered in sauce) You think I give a fuck, Chris? I’ll eat pizza in any form! (picks up the fallen slice, takes a huge bite) I’m still winning!

Chris: (grabs a napkin, wiping pizza sauce off his face) Fucking hell, Sam. You’re an animal. I’m telling you, this ends now. No more pineapple. EVER.

Sam: (grinning wildly, sauce dripping down his chin) You’ll never win. Pineapple on pizza isn’t just food—it’s a revolution, motherfucker.

The scene ends with both of them glaring at each other, panting, pizza toppings everywhere, the battle clearly unresolved.

Other Conversational Dialogues