Ad Astra

Alright, let's get this shitshow started. "Ad Astra" – more like "Ad Ass-tra," am I right? This film is an absolute disgrace compared to the many stellar sci-fi films we've been blessed with recently. I swear, sitting through this snooze-fest felt like a personal attack on my sanity.

First off, Brad Pitt's stoic, brooding performance was about as exciting as watching paint dry. I get it, he's supposed to be a cool, calm astronaut with daddy issues, but come on! Can we get a little more emotion? If I wanted to watch a guy stare into space for two hours, I'd have just called my stoner friend.

Now let's talk about the plot – or the lack thereof. "Ad Astra" promised an epic journey through the cosmos, but what we got was a monotonous, meandering mess. It’s like they took all the worst parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey" and none of the brilliance. And speaking of which, films like "Blade Runner 2049" and "Arrival" have set the bar so damn high with their storytelling and depth. "Ad Astra" just doesn't cut it. It’s like comparing a gourmet steak to a soggy microwave dinner.

The visuals? Yeah, they're pretty, but pretty doesn't mean shit if there's no substance. We’ve seen far better from "Interstellar" and "The Martian" – films that didn't just rely on dazzling effects but also packed a punch with compelling narratives and characters you actually give a fuck about.

Don’t even get me started on the so-called "action" scenes. Space pirates? Seriously? They were about as threatening as a bunch of kids playing laser tag. The whole lunar rover chase was a goddamn joke, not to mention the conveniently timed space monkey attack – what the hell was that all about?

To wrap this up, "Ad Astra" is a pretentious, hollow attempt at a sci-fi epic. It’s a slow, tedious drag through space that made me wish for a black hole to swallow me up and end the misery. Compared to the recent greats in the genre, it’s a cosmic-sized letdown. Save your time and watch something that actually respects your intelligence and keeps you entertained. This one can float off into the void for all I care.

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