Creating a Dickhead Free Zone

Oh, so you want to create a dickhead-free zone, eh? Ambitious. It’s like trying to keep sand out of your undies at the beach—noble in theory but bloody impossible in practice. That said, I’m here to help you build your utopia of non-dickheadedness. Buckle up, because this is going to require rules, enforcement, and a healthy dose of calling people out on their bullshit.

Step 1: Define "Dickhead Behaviour"

You need a proper fucking charter. What specifically makes someone a dickhead in your context? Is it arrogance, ignorance, selfishness, or just being a complete tosser? Write it down. Examples:

• Hogging communal resources (e.g., Wi-Fi, parking, the bloody spotlight).
• Interrupting conversations to flex their non-existent credentials.
• Refusing to use basic manners like "please" and "thank you."
• Thinking their opinion is God’s gift to humanity.

Step 2: Signage

Once you've defined the behaviours, plaster it everywhere like a bad ad campaign:

• “NO DICKHEADS ALLOWED. ZERO TOLERANCE FOR SELF-ABSORBED TOSSERS.”
• Include examples, like “Interrupting? Dickhead. Not cleaning up after yourself? Dickhead.”

Make it clear. No ambiguity. If someone still acts like a dickhead, it’s because they’re a willful one, and that’s even worse.

Step 3: Enforcement Squad

Here’s the hard part: policing. You’ll need to create a panel of no-nonsense legends to patrol the zone. Call it something cool, like the “No-Dickhead Task Force.” Their job is to:

• Monitor behaviour.
• Call out offenders in real time: “Oi mate, you’re being a massive dickhead. Stop it or get out.”
• Issue warnings or fines. A “Dickhead Tax” could fund community beers.

Step 4: Shame and Education

Public shaming works wonders in Australia. Put up a “Wall of Dickheads” for repeat offenders. However, give them a chance to redeem themselves. Maybe they have to attend a “Don’t Be a Tosser” seminar or do something nice for the community, like picking up litter or shouting a round of drinks.

Step 5: Kick Them Out

If all else fails, chuck the dickheads out. Physically if necessary. Hire a bouncer or put up a sign saying, “If you’re asked to leave for being a dickhead, don’t come crying. You were warned.”

Step 6: Celebrate the Wins

When you’ve had a week with no dickhead sightings, throw a party. Celebrate the fact that your space is officially free of wankers, arseholes, and muppets.

Now, realistically, you’ll never get to 100% compliance. Dickheads are like cockroaches—resilient and hard to kill. But with these steps, you can at least make your zone a much safer, saner place.

Poster Ideas

1. Kookaburra (The Loudmouth)

Poster:
A kookaburra sitting on a branch, squawking obnoxiously.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a dickhead kookaburra—shut up and let someone else speak!”

2. Kangaroo (The Space Hog)

Poster:
A kangaroo sprawled out, taking up an entire picnic blanket while others stand awkwardly.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a selfish kangaroo—share the bloody space!”

3. Magpie (The Aggressive Tosser)

Poster:
A magpie dive-bombing a cyclist.
Slogan:
“No one likes a swooping magpie. Don’t be a dickhead—keep your aggression in check!”

4. Wombat (The Oblivious Blocker)

Poster:
A wombat sitting stubbornly in the middle of a path while others try to walk around it.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a stubborn wombat—move your arse and let people through!”

5. Emu (The Directionless Wanderer)

Poster:
An emu looking confused, standing in the middle of traffic.
Slogan:
“Don’t be an emu—figure out where you’re going and stop blocking the way!”

6. Cockatoo (The Property Wrecker)

Poster:
A cockatoo tearing apart a fence or garden chair.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a destructive cockatoo—respect other people’s stuff!”

7. Tasmanian Devil (The Drama Queen)

Poster:
A Tasmanian devil spinning wildly in a tantrum while everyone else looks unimpressed.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a Tasmanian Devil—calm your tits and stop the drama!”

8. Quokka (The Friendly Reminder)

Poster:
A cheerful quokka holding a sign that says, “No dickheads allowed!”
Slogan:
“Be a quokka, not a wanker—make everyone smile!”

9. Platypus (The Rule Breaker)

Poster:
A platypus wearing sunglasses and crossing into a “No Dickheads Zone.”
Slogan:
“Don’t try to outsmart the rules, mate—you’re not that clever!”

10. Dingo (The Sneaky Prick)

Poster:
A dingo stealing someone’s lunch with a sly grin.
Slogan:
“Don’t be a sneaky dingo—play fair and stop taking what isn’t yours!”

Ah, Australia—the land of kangaroos, deadly snakes, and a surplus of sarcastic wit. If you're asking whether dickheads walk around proudly declaring, "G'day mate, I'm a dickhead," then you must be bloody joking. No, dickheads don’t explicitly self-identify—most of them are too thick to even recognize they’re dickheads in the first place. That’s kind of the whole deal with being a dickhead: a lack of self-awareness so profound it could be measured in light years.

What happens instead is that everyone else identifies the dickhead for what they are. Whether it's the bloke hogging the right lane on the highway, the loudmouth at the pub with opinions nobody asked for, or the Karen who whines about how her flat white is 0.2 degrees off perfect, Aussies are experts at pointing them out. If someone calls you a dickhead Down Under, trust me, it’s not a bloody compliment—it’s a national sport.

So, to answer your question: no, they don’t self-identify, but they sure as hell don’t need to. The rest of us are more than happy to do it for them.