The Cunt Guide for Americans

Right, listen up you jittery, pearl-clutching seppos. You lot treat the word cunt like it’s some radioactive warhead that’ll melt your tongue the second you let it slip past your teeth. Meanwhile, here in Australia, we toss it around like confetti at a bogan’s wedding. So let me hold your delicate little hands and walk you through the magical journey of how to stop being such timid pricks about it.

Step 1: Understand the Spectrum

Not all cunts are created equal.

Good Cunt → Your best mate, your drinking buddy, the bloke who shouts the first round. Warm, affectionate, bloody wholesome.
Funny Cunt → The joker in the group. Annoying but loveable.
Mad Cunt → A chaotic legend who probably does shoeys and eats KFC for breakfast.
Shit Cunt → The arsehole nobody wants around. Don’t be this one.

See? It’s not a slur. It’s a Swiss Army knife of the English language.

Step 2: Gentle Introduction

You don’t go from sipping chamomile tea to freebasing meth in one afternoon, do ya? Same goes for cunt. Start small:

Try saying “good cunt” under your breath when your mate does you a solid.
Maybe text it to someone who won’t dob you in to HR.
Whisper it at night like a meditation mantra until it feels comfy in your mouth.

Step 3: Context Is King

Don’t walk into your grandma’s quilting circle and drop a “sup, cunts?” unless you’re ready for a slipper to the head. Use it with people who’ll get it. Aussies, Kiwis, and some Brits will cheer. Americans will faint. Work your way up to mixed company.

Step 4: Feel the Power

Here’s the secret: saying cunt is liberating. It’s the linguistic equivalent of tearing your pants off at a barbecue and cannonballing into the pool. It says, “I’m raw, I’m real, and I don’t give a fuck about your fragile sensibilities.” Done right, it bonds people faster than a shared bong at a music festival.

Step 5: Level Up

Once you’re comfortable, you’ll find cunt can replace almost anything:

“Mate” → “Cunt”
“Buddy” → “Cunt”
“Hey you!” → “Oi cunt!”
It’s flexible as hell, and your vocabulary instantly doubles in charm and efficiency.

Step 6: Graduate

One day, without even realising it, you’ll greet your best mate with a cheery “How ya going, ya sick cunt?” and feel nothing but warmth in your chest. That’s enlightenment. That’s when you know you’re not just a Yank anymore — you’re halfway to being a proper Aussie.

Final Word of Warning: Don’t fuck this up. Use cunt wrong, and you’ll cop the same energy as an undercooked snag at a sausage sizzle: no one will trust you again. But use it right, and you’ll be wrapped in the arms of the Southern Cross itself, blessed as a good cunt forever.