Microwave Boiling – The Dickhead Chronicles

Microwave Boiling – The Dickhead Chronicles

Oi, nah, fuck the kettle. That thing's ancient, mate. Like, why the fuck would I use some crusty-ass relic with a plug and a spout when I’ve got a microwave, yeah? The future's here, dickheads, and it’s humming at 1100 watts. I’m a genius. Fuckin’ Einstein, but sexier. No, wait — Einstein, but with a mullet and protein powder.

Mug in hand. Classic ceramic. Mum got it from Kmart. It says "World's Best Boss". That’s me. That’s what I am. Gonna be drinking coffee like a CEO in three fuckin’ minutes, tops. Water goes in. Straight from the tap. Cold as a witch's tit, but who gives a fuck? I’m about to blast it with science.

Open the microwave. It’s a bit filthy, yeah — like someone nuked a meat pie and it exploded its guts all over the walls — but whatever. Not my problem. Housemate Jimmy’s probably to blame. He’s a dog. A lazy, vape-huffing, weed-enthusiast dog. Right, mug goes in. Shut the door. Beep. Beep. Fuckin’ BOOM, two minutes on high. This bitch is going supersonic.

Hands on hips. Chest puffed. I should livestream this. “How to boil water like a god.” I’ll go viral. TikTok’ll cream themselves. Look at me now, Year 10 science teacher. Said I’d amount to fuck-all. Bet she’s at home boiling water like a peasant with a kettle while I harness the power of the electromagnetic spectrum, cunt.

Wait, hang on—does water… like… bubble in the microwave? I can’t see shit. It’s just sittin’ there. Looks calm. Suspiciously calm. Like when a toddler goes quiet and you know they’re smearing shit on the wall. Maybe I’ll open it and stir it with a spoon or somethin’.

Nah. Don’t be soft. Two minutes, mate. Trust the process. Fuckin’ manifest that boiling point.

BEEP BEEP — there she is. The microwave dings like the bell of Valhalla. I’m ready. I open the door and—

FUCK. JESUS. FUCKIN’ HELL.

It exploded. The water—fucking shot out like a geyser. Boiling fuckin’ napalm all over me hand. Mug’s still sittin’ there like it did not just try to kill me. It’s a bloody trap. The water went full ninja — no bubbles, no warning, then wham, straight to third-degree burns.

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS SHIT WAS DANGEROUS? I feel betrayed. Where’s the label that says “Oi, dumbshit, don’t microwave water without a fuckin’ spoon or it’ll blast your face off”? There should be a government warning. Or a bloke at the shops with a hi-vis and a clipboard saying, “Don’t be a fuckwit.”

Fuck you, microwave. Fuck you, physics. Fuck you, society.

I’m goin’ back to the kettle. It whistles when it’s done. At least that bastard doesn’t lie to me.