Colbert Interviews Trump
Stephen Colbert:
leans forward, smugly amused
"Alright, Mr. Trump, let’s dive in. You’ve got one heck of a reputation. Some would call you... polarizing. Others have choice words I probably can’t say on TV. Let’s start simple: Do you even know why people find you divisive, or is it all just kind of… noise to you?”
Donald Trump:
sniffs, waving his hands dismissively
“Look, Stephen, people love me. I mean, nobody’s ever seen love like this before. When you say ‘divisive,’ I think that’s, honestly, fake news. I have more fans than probably anyone else you’ve ever had on this show, okay? And they love me because I tell it like it is. Nobody else has the guts to tell the truth. People find that refreshing.”
Stephen Colbert:
barely suppressing a smirk
"Fascinating. So, truth-teller extraordinaire, you’ve had a lot to say about democracy lately. You seem a little… let’s say, selective about which votes count. So, do you really care about democracy, or is it just democracy for the people who cheer at your rallies?”
Donald Trump:
rolls his eyes, leans back
“Democracy, Stephen—let me tell you, nobody knows more about democracy than me. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to it. But what I really care about is fairness. And if I’m winning, that’s fair. Everyone knows this. They want a strong leader. That’s what they’re crying out for. Not some weak system that lets everyone and their dog vote.”
Stephen Colbert:
finger guns with eyebrows raised
“Well, I’ll give you this: you’re nothing if not consistent. Speaking of which, you always call the media fake news, but you live for the attention. So tell me, how much do you actually love the media, and be honest. I mean, we all know you do.”
Donald Trump:
grins, then pouts for effect
“The media’s unfair to me, Stephen. They’re brutal. They twist my words, they make up lies, and then they turn around and talk about ratings, like, guess who’s bringing in those ratings? Me. It’s Trump. You should all thank me. Without me, you’d have nobody to talk about. So sure, I’ll let you have a little attention because, at the end of the day, they need me. I don’t need them. But they’re just lucky I’m as nice as I am.”
Stephen Colbert:
almost laughs
“Oh, thank goodness, a merciful Trump! Tell me, since you’re so nice—about that wall. Still the solution to everything, or just a way to keep your campaign promises alive? I mean, are we really still talking about this?”
Donald Trump:
“Stephen, listen. The wall is everything. If you don't have a wall, you don’t have a country. And the people on my side—they know that. These are smart people; they know we need strength. You wouldn’t understand because, let’s face it, you’re in your little bubble over here in New York or wherever it is you live. But the wall—it’s a metaphor, it’s a symbol, and also it’s real. We’re going to finish it, and it's going to be beautiful.”
Stephen Colbert:
leans back, raising a brow
“Oh, it’s a symbol, alright. Alright, final question, and let’s keep this fun—what’s something you’d actually change about yourself?”
Donald Trump:
without missing a beat
“Nothing. Why would I change anything? I’m perfect, Stephen. Absolutely perfect. Everybody says so. And if they don’t say it, they’re just lying.”
Stephen Colbert:
cracks a grin, turns to the audience
“Well, you heard it here first, folks. Nothing he’d change. Not a damn thing. And that, as they say, is the art of the deal.”