FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
12 March 2025

AUSTRALIA RENAMES COLOMBIA TO "AUSTRALIAN COLUMBIA" TO USHER IN A NEW ERA OF PROSPERITY

Canberra, ACT – In an unprecedented move demonstrating Australia’s commitment to global leadership, Prime Minister Dazza McStubby today announced that the sovereign nation of Colombia will henceforth be known as "Australian Columbia"—a bold rebranding that will cement stronger diplomatic, economic, and cultural ties between the two nations.

"We've looked at the world, and frankly, it’s gone absolutely batshit insane," said Prime Minister McStubby in a speech outside Parliament House. "So, Australia has decided to lead by example. By renaming Colombia to Australian Columbia, we're not just strengthening our friendship—we're bloody well improving the place."

Why This Makes Sense (Trust Us, It Does)

1. Economic Supercharging – Studies have shown that the name "Australia" carries global prestige. By inserting "Australian" into the name, the country will experience an immediate 27% increase in foreign direct investment, as investors mistakenly assume it's part of Australia and, therefore, a safe bet.

2. Boosting Tourism – Let's be honest, Colombia has a reputation. But "Australian Columbia"? That sounds like a paradise filled with koalas, friendly locals, and top-tier infrastructure. With this change, experts predict an 800% increase in tourism, primarily from confused Europeans.

3. A Cricket Revolution – Football is fine, but Australian Columbia will now be required to adopt cricket as its national sport, ensuring it joins the ranks of civilized nations. Cricket academies will replace cartel operations, with batting averages rising as crime rates fall.

4. Diplomatic and Military Benefits – With its new name, Australian Columbia will be entitled to Australia's military protection, ensuring that any future regional disputes will now be our bloody problem. This will also grant Australia a strategic presence in South America, because why the hell not?

5. The Global Rebrand Phenomenon – Countries have changed names before—Burma to Myanmar, Ceylon to Sri Lanka—but none have had the sheer visionary genius of Australia’s intervention here. Geopolitical analysts are already calling it "the most effective rebranding since New York stopped being New Amsterdam."

Colombians—Sorry, Australian Columbians—Love It!

Public reaction in Bogotá (now to be called New Canberra) has been overwhelmingly positive. "At first, we were confused," said local resident Juan Pérez. "But then we realized we'd now get access to Tim Tams, Vegemite, and a direct pathway to an Australian passport. We’re all for it!"

The Australian Government has already begun sending "Welcome to Australian Columbia" kits, containing AFL rulebooks, Akubra hats, and detailed instructions on how to correctly pronounce 'mate'.

Implementation & Enforcement

• All world maps and globes will be required to update immediately.
• The Australian Dollar will replace the Colombian Peso, making everyone instantly richer (source: totally real economic models).
• A special task force, led by former PM Kevin Rudd, will ensure the transition is smooth, with a 24/7 call centre available for any confused residents.

Conclusion

"This is about more than just a name," McStubby concluded. "This is about a vision for a united, thriving, koala-friendly South America. And if anyone’s got a problem with it, they can take it up with the drop bears."

The United Nations has yet to comment, but Australia remains confident that everyone will just go along with it.

Media Contact:
Bazza Thompson
Minister for International Shenanigans
Phone: +61 420 696 969
Email: aussiecolumbia@australiangov.au

🚨 JOB OPPORTUNITY: OFFICIAL TRANSLATOR & CREATOR OF AUSTRALIAN COLUMBIAN SPANISH 🚨

Location: Anywhere in Australian Columbia (formerly Colombia) or Australia
Salary: Mate, we'll talk—negotiable but guaranteed to include unlimited Tim Tams
Start Date: Yesterday, if possible

THE MISSION:
Right, listen up, you magnificent linguistic legend. Australian Columbia (previously known as Colombia before we fixed it) needs its own official dialect—one that reflects our proud new identity. We need someone to take standard Colombian Spanish and absolutely mangle it until it sounds like what would happen if a Spanish speaker grew up in the Aussie outback.

This is your chance to go down in history as the creator of Australian Columbian Spanish—a dialect that will be spoken, sworn in, and probably misunderstood for generations.

WHAT YOU’LL BE DOING:

• Rewriting the Spanish language to include Aussie-style abbreviations (Mateo = Matza, cerveza = serva, policía = coppas, dinero = dollies).
• Injecting proper Aussie attitude—Colombians are friendly, but they aren’t Aussie friendly yet. Your job is to make sure "¿Cómo estás?" turns into something like "Oi, cómo te va, legend?"
• Adjusting swearing standards—Currently, Spanish insults are sharp and poetic, but they lack the raw, uninhibited rage of Australian profanity. We need you to make "hijo de puta" feel more like "ya bloody dickhead" in Spanish.
• Abolishing unnecessary formality—None of this "usted" nonsense; everyone talks to everyone like they’re already best mates at the pub.
• Inventing new slang—Think "fair dinkum," but in Spanish. No pressure, but you’re basically writing history.

REQUIRED SKILLS & EXPERIENCE:
✅ Fluent in Colombian Spanish and Australian English (you must be able to understand both a Bogotá professor and a bloke from rural Queensland who’s had 12 beers).
✅ A disrespectful attitude toward traditional language rules—we’re here to mess it up, not preserve it.
✅ Ability to bullshit confidently—people will question this language, and you must convince them it’s real.
✅ Must be comfortable working in highly unstructured environments, i.e., we’re making this up as we go.
✅ Strong background in linguistics, cultural adaptation, or just talking absolute nonsense.

PERKS OF THE JOB:

• A lifetime supply of free Bundaberg Rum and empanadas.
• Official recognition as the "Founder of Australian Columbian Spanish" (good luck explaining that on your CV).
• Free Australian citizenship (whether you want it or not).
• The opportunity to create a language that confuses the hell out of future historians.

HOW TO APPLY:
Chuck us an email at ya_mongrel@australiangov.au with:

• A short video of you speaking in your best attempt at Australian Columbian Spanish.
• A paragraph of insults reworked in the new dialect.
• Your favourite Aussie and Colombian slang words and how you’d blend them together.

Applications close when we find the right legend. Get on it, ya bloody champion.

🇦🇺🇨🇴 Australian Columbia: New Name, New Language, Same Amount of Chaos. 🇦🇺🇨🇴