Weeks Banned Global Decree

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
HUMANITY BANS WEEKS: DAYS AND MONTHS DECLARED SUFFICIENT FOR ALL TIMEKEEPING NEEDS

[Location: Everywhere, because this is a global decree, you clueless dunderheads]
[Date: Whatever day it is, since we’re done counting weeks]

"GOODBYE, WEEKS – YOU WON'T BE MISSED!"

In a historic, earth-shattering move, the Council of Universal Time Sanity (CUTS) has officially abolished the concept of "weeks." That’s right, you seven-day-obsessed fools — pack it up. No more "Monday blues," "Hump Day," or "Thank God It’s Friday." Days and months will now do all the heavy lifting, and frankly, they’ve been carrying weeks on their backs for far too long.

"Enough is enough," declared CUTS spokesperson Faye King-Time. "For centuries, weeks have been an unnecessary, confusing middleman in the temporal economy. Are you a day? No. Are you a month? Also no. So why the hell are you even here? Get out."

This seismic shift in chronological bureaucracy was driven by a growing consensus that weeks serve no practical purpose other than to provide corporate drones with an arbitrary sense of 'progress.' CUTS has argued that tracking life by weeks is like measuring spaghetti in 'handfuls' — inaccurate, subjective, and ultimately infuriating.

"I ASK YOU THIS: WHEN DOES A WEEK REALLY START?"

Is it Sunday or Monday? Nobody knows, and that uncertainty has fuelled rage and confusion for millennia. Some countries start their calendars on Monday, others on Sunday, and some deranged heathens dare to believe in "work weeks" that start on a Tuesday. No more of this global gaslighting. From this moment forward, you’ll be counting days, and when you've had enough days, boom — a new month. Simple as that.

HOW WILL THIS WORK, YOU ASK? WELL, BUCKLE UP, CHUMPS.

• Calendars will now display only days and months. You get a big number for the day, and a nice name for the month. THAT’S. IT.
• No more "every Thursday" nonsense. Got a meeting every 3rd day? Then put it on the 3rd, the 10th, the 17th, and so on. If that’s too hard for you, you probably shouldn’t have meetings anyway, Greg.
• No more "weekend" crutches. Every day is a day, and if you need a day off, just take one, coward. You don’t need to pin your mental stability on Saturn’s rotation schedule.
• Global synchronization. No more of this "work week" garbage. Everyone will just agree that 30-31 days make a month, and they’ll deal with it like adults (except for February, which is still a weird little goblin of a month, but we’ll tackle that later).

"WHAT ABOUT THE RELIGIOUS IMPLICATIONS?"

Oh, you think weeks are sacred? Wrong. If your holy book says "on the seventh day, He rested," guess what? That was just a day, not a "weekend," you ignoramus. Rest every 7th day if you must, but don't come crying to us when you realize you can just call it "Day 7" and move on with your life.

"BUT I NEED MY WORK WEEK STRUCTURE TO STAY PRODUCTIVE!"

Grow up. Work for 30 days, then rest for 2 or 3. Call it a "Monthend" if you’re desperate for labels. You’re an adult — you don’t need a crutch like "Wednesday" to get through the day.

CLOSING STATEMENT FROM THE COUNCIL

"Look, you’ll survive. Humans survived plagues, wars, and disco — you can survive not having 'Thursdays' anymore. Weeks were always just an abstraction to begin with. If you’re mad about this, ask yourself why you’re so emotionally dependent on a unit of time invented by Babylonians 4,000 years ago. Grow up, Greg."

CUTS is confident that this decision will simplify global planning, destroy any remaining "Monday dread," and eliminate the farce that is the "weekend warrior" mentality. Days are days. Months are months. That’s it. We’re free now.

FOR MORE INFORMATION
Call the "Days & Months Only" Support Line at 1-800-NO-WEEKS
Or email us at die@weeksaredumb.com

END OF PRESS RELEASE