How To Hold Phone

Alright, listen up, you brainless turd. If you’re holding your mobile phone like a goddamn pizza slice, you’re doing it all wrong. We're not in the middle of the goddamn Renaissance where people ate with their hands and didn’t know shit about basic technology. Here's how to hold your phone during a call without looking like a total fuckwit:

1. Orientation, Dumbass:

You don’t fucking hold your phone horizontally like you’re about to chow down on some pepperoni. That’s for watching videos, not talking. Turn the bastard vertically! Got it? The longer side of the phone goes along the length of your face. If this part is confusing, maybe stay away from all devices with screens, period.

2. Ear Meets Speaker:

Phones have speakers on one end and a microphone on the other. The speaker is where the sound comes from, you dolt. Put that end up to your ear. It's not rocket science, it's basic fucking physics. The hole for your ear is usually at the top of the phone, so get that shit lined up with your ear canal.

3. Mouth Meets Mic:

Now, on the opposite end of the phone, there's a little hole called a microphone. This is where your dumbass voice goes in. Position this near your mouth. You know, the thing you never shut up with. Don’t put it near your chin, or up your nose, or wherever else you think is cool—your mouth, idiot, your fucking mouth.

4. Grip It, Don’t Choke It:

Your hand should be holding the sides of the phone, gently but firmly. Like you’re holding a beer—not strangling it, not letting it slip away. Your thumb should rest on one side, with your fingers curled around the back. No, you don’t need both hands. This isn't a weightlifting competition. And for fuck's sake, don’t hold it like it’s made of glass; it won’t break if you grip it properly.

5. Don’t Be a Speakerphone Asshole:

Unless you’re in a meeting, holding the phone out in front of you on speaker like it’s a fucking boombox from the ‘80s is just asking for everyone around you to hate your guts. Keep it up to your ear, have some goddamn respect for the rest of humanity.

6. Positioning:

The phone should be roughly parallel to your cheek. If it’s perpendicular, congrats, you’re still holding it like a slice of pizza, and you’re still a moron. Get that shit fixed. The screen should face outward, away from your fucking face. Don’t smudge it with your greasy skin.

7. Keep Still, You Twitchy Bastard:

Stop moving the phone around like a fucking idiot. Keep it in place. If you’re fidgeting, the other person will barely hear you, and you’ll look like someone who’s never handled modern technology before.

8. Volume Control:

If you can’t hear the person on the other end, adjust the volume. There’s usually a volume rocker on the side of the phone. Push that until you can hear them clearly. If you’re shouting because you can’t hear, you’ve failed miserably.

9. Practice, You Fucking Need It:

If you’re still confused after reading this guide, find a mirror and practice. No, I’m not kidding. Don’t walk around embarrassing yourself and annoying others because you’re too stupid to understand how to hold a phone.

Final Words

If you’re holding your phone right, your face won’t look like you’re about to take a giant bite of thin-crust pizza. So get it together, or just go back to using carrier pigeons, you technological Neanderthal.