JavaScript Overload Rant - Angry

Oh, for fuck’s sake, here we go again with the goddamn websites that have more JavaScript than a fucking Marvel movie has special effects. You know the type – those sites that load like they’ve got a massive turd stuck in their pipes, making you wonder if your internet provider is secretly throttling your bandwidth or if the developers just decided that fast loading times were as outdated as fucking Myspace.

JavaScript Overload: Let's start with the insane amount of JavaScript some developers seem to think is necessary to display a fucking paragraph of text. Do we really need a 2MB JavaScript file to make a goddamn button spin or some inane animation play when you scroll? Spoiler alert: No, we fucking don’t! But here we are, waiting for a script to load, staring at a blank page, and watching the little circle of death spin endlessly like it’s mocking our very existence.

The Incompetence of Not Implementing Lazy Loading: And let’s not forget about lazy loading. Oh, the joy of scrolling through a webpage, and it feels like you're pushing a boulder uphill because every image, video, and goddamn widget is loaded from the get-go. Heaven forbid they should implement lazy loading, a simple, efficient solution that loads content as the user needs it. No, instead they shove the whole damn encyclopedia down your throat at once, making sure your browser wheezes like a fucking asthmatic in a dust storm.

Unnecessary Frameworks: Oh, and don’t get me started on the sheer number of unnecessary frameworks these fuckwits decide to use. We’ve got React, Angular, Vue.js, and then they sprinkle in some jQuery because why the fuck not? It's like a Frankenstein monster of code stitched together, creating a bloated, sluggish monstrosity that’s more interested in looking fancy than actually fucking working properly.

Ignoring Performance Best Practices: It’s like these developers are deliberately ignoring performance best practices. Did they skip the day in coding school where they taught about optimizing for speed and efficiency? Or are they just so fucking obsessed with creating the most ‘interactive’ experience that they forget the basics? Newsflash, assholes: If your site takes longer to load than it takes to make a cup of coffee, people are going to fuck off faster than you can say “bounce rate.”

The Vicious Cycle of Tech Debt: And what about tech debt? By piling on unnecessary scripts and not refactoring their shitty code, developers are creating a fucking time bomb of future problems. They’re locking themselves into an endless cycle of patches, updates, and maintenance headaches. It's like building a house on a foundation of quicksand, then wondering why it’s sinking. Well, no shit, Sherlock, maybe you shouldn’t have used JavaScript for every little function under the sun!

Accessibility Be Damned: Don’t even get me started on accessibility. How many times have we seen beautifully designed sites that are absolute nightmares for anyone using assistive technologies? These sites might as well be flipping the bird to anyone with a disability because apparently, these developers couldn't be arsed to make sure their JavaScript-heavy monstrosity was accessible. It’s 2024, for fuck’s sake. Can we at least pretend to care about inclusivity?

Culprits in the Ecosystem: Let's point some fingers while we're at it. CMS platforms like WordPress, with plugins that promise to add "features" but instead layer on another metric ton of unnecessary scripts. These so-called ‘features’ are often poorly coded, clunky, and as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

Mobile Experience Disaster: And oh, the cherry on this shit cake is how these sites perform on mobile. Because clearly, optimizing for mobile is just too much effort, right? Never mind that more than half of all web traffic comes from mobile devices; let's make sure our sites are completely unusable on anything smaller than a 27-inch monitor. Pinch to zoom? More like pinch to fuck off as users struggle to interact with a layout that makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.

Conclusion

Look, I get it – web development is complicated. But when the basics are ignored in favor of flashy, CPU-guzzling nonsense, we’ve got a fucking problem. Developers need to pull their heads out of their asses and focus on user experience over unnecessary pizzazz. We need more focus on optimized, efficient code that respects users’ time and bandwidth. Instead of dumping a landfill's worth of JavaScript onto a page, maybe try adhering to the tried-and-true practices of web development: simplicity, performance, and accessibility.

In conclusion, if you're one of those developers responsible for these digital monstrosities, then sort your shit out. Embrace lazy loading, ditch unnecessary frameworks, and for fuck's sake, optimize your JavaScript. Your users will thank you, and maybe, just maybe, your site will load in this century.

JavaScript Overload Rant - Sensual

Oh, fuck me sideways, let’s dive into this shitshow of web development practices that make you want to tear your hair out. I’m talking about those arsehole developers who think it's a fucking brilliant idea to shove a metric shit-ton of JavaScript into every nook and cranny of their websites, turning the whole experience into a slow, laggy, frustrating wank session.

JavaScript Overload: A Clusterfuck of Code

First off, why in the hell do developers feel the need to splatter their pages with every fucking JavaScript library under the sun? It’s like they’ve gone to a buffet and decided to pile their plate with every single dish without even considering whether any of it pairs well together. You've got libraries on top of frameworks, on top of plugins, and what do you end up with? A bloated, obese website that takes so long to load you could make a cup of coffee and have a quick wank before the damn page even appears.

When a website chokes on its own weight, it makes you wonder if these developers are trying to compensate for something. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, how many goddamn JavaScript files do you really need to load a fucking webpage? The answer should be a few, but these developers seem to think they need the digital equivalent of a fucking nuclear arsenal just to render a few fucking buttons and animations.

Lazy Loading: An Orgasmic Solution Ignored

Then there’s the glorious concept of lazy loading, a genius little technique that should be in every developer's toolbox, but these asshats either don’t know about it or can’t be arsed to implement it. Lazy loading is like foreplay for your website; it keeps things smooth, teasingly revealing only what you need when you need it, and not blowing its load all at once.

When websites don’t implement lazy loading, images load like they've got performance anxiety. You’re stuck staring at a blank page while the site lumbers along like a flaccid cock, trying to get its shit together. It’s not 1999 anymore, folks; there’s no excuse for a webpage to load like it’s on dial-up. Every unlazy-loaded image and video is like a little middle finger to your users, saying, “Fuck you, you’ll wait for this image to load, and you’ll like it.”

Code Splitting: Because Who Doesn’t Love a Threesome?

And let's not even get started on code splitting, which is somehow an elusive, mythical beast that developers only whisper about in hushed tones. Breaking up your JavaScript files into bite-sized chunks instead of one giant clusterfuck? Oh, the horror! It’s like trying to convince a porn star that maybe a gentle massage before the money shot is a good idea. Code splitting lets the browser load only what it needs, when it needs it, and keeps your page performance tighter than a nun’s knickers.

Responsive Design: Not a Suggestion, But a Goddamn Necessity

In this day and age, making sure your website looks good and performs well across devices should be the bare fucking minimum. But no, some developers are still pissing about with sites that only work on desktops, forgetting that we all have smartphones glued to our hands 24/7. Not making your site responsive is like showing up to an orgy in a chastity belt; it’s a fucking pointless endeavor that makes everyone else hate you.

Performance Optimization: The Sexy Art of Speed

Finally, let’s talk about optimization. You wouldn’t go on a first date without a shower and some deodorant, so why the hell would you launch a site without optimizing your assets? Minifying your CSS and JS, compressing your images, and enabling Gzip are all basics of site hygiene, yet some developers treat them like options instead of necessities. It’s like showing up for a hot date in your mum's underwear and expecting to get laid. Spoiler alert: you won’t.

Conclusion: Clean Up Your Act

So here’s the takeaway, developers: pull your fucking head out of your arse and stop making us suffer through your poorly optimized, JavaScript-laden monstrosities. Invest some time into learning how to properly use lazy loading, code splitting, and other modern practices. Make your websites faster, more efficient, and less like a bloated behemoth that takes an eternity to load. And for fuck's sake, stop acting like every web page needs to be the digital equivalent of the fucking Mona Lisa. A bit of finesse and simplicity can make a world of difference, and maybe, just maybe, people will stop wanting to throttle you every time they visit your site.