God Defend New Zealand

[God, absolutely losing His divine shit at the Kiwis, booming from the heavens like a pissed-off thunderstorm over Taupo]

"OI, YOU BLOODY WHINGING KIWI BASTARDS!

I literally cannot believe I have to say this out loud, but here we fucking go. You’ve got an entire national anthem—an entire fucking song—begging Me, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven, Earth and all the other cooked shit roaming about in Australia, to “God Defend New Zealand.” Every rugby game, every ANZAC service, every school assembly where some poor bugger has to choke it out in Te Reo and English — you sing it like a prayer.

And guess what, you miserable pack of gumboot-wearing, jandal-losing, sheep-counting ingrates — I am defending it! Every time some dickhead cartographer leaves you off the map, that's not forgetfulness. That's me, doing my divine duty. Strategic bloody invisibility, mate. Cloaking device. You’re welcome, you ungrateful sods.

You think the US military's skipping you on maps by accident? Nah, dickheads — that's me, scrambling radar. I’ve got angels hacking Google Earth. Satan tried to add you to Risk once — I chucked a bolt through his PlayStation. China floated a spy balloon over and couldn’t even find the fucking place. Why? Because I answered your anthem, ya tone-deaf twats!

But noooo, every time you're missed off a map, you lot start crying like someone nicked your pineapple lumps.
“Ohhh why aren’t we on the map?”
Because you bloody asked me to keep you safe, you morons! You didn’t say “God Acknowledge New Zealand’s Geographic Relevance.” You said “God Defend New Zealand.” And I'm doing it — by making sure no invading army can even bloody find you!

You want global recognition and divine protection? Well tough shit. Pick one. You can't be both Mordor and Main Street, cunts.

Honestly, next time you sing that anthem, maybe clarify the terms. Add a fucking clause. “Defend us, but keep us visible on educational wall charts.” Otherwise shut up, enjoy your uninvadable hobbit-hole paradise, and stop acting like I’ve wronged you when I’m just doing my bloody job.

Now piss off and thank me properly — maybe with a hangi or something decent this time, not that stale L&P you keep leaving out at altars like it’s a bloody offering.

You're welcome,
– GOD (Sick of your shit)